my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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