I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Sorry about my life...
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Randomize
