I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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