I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I can't turn off my feet"
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
