Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Randomize
