I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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