Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
