i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
