Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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