I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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