the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
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