If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
