i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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