Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
