her vagina looked like bernie madoff
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Randomize
