On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Less talking, more tequila
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
3 2 1 whiskey
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Randomize
