So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
