ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Your dad touched me again.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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