Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
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