Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize
