Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
