The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
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