Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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