i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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