I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
