when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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