I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
my being single is dangerous.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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