wat bout pragnant strippers??
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize