Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
now i know why i became what i already was.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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