I am puke
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I'm bleeding and have questions
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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