GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
