He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
