nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize