im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Randomize