I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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