NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
