she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
My balls are so social today.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
