Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
