I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
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