if you like me you must not know who I am
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
