So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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