I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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