FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
She swung at the pinata with crutches
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
