Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
