Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
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