So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Randomize
