He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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