he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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