you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Randomize
