You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
