Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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