I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
