The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Every concussion has its silver lining
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
