So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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