I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
