i already hear my dad disowning me
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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