she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
