You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
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