My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
