You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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