There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
