is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
