I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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