He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
