On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
