so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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