my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Randomize
