he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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