Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
