In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize